<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>...Before It Gets Better by kiri_bronach</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26677225">...Before It Gets Better</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiri_bronach/pseuds/kiri_bronach'>kiri_bronach</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Touch Starved Five [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Umbrella Academy (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Gen, Good Sibling Everyone, Hurt/Comfort, Number Five | The Boy Has Issues, Number Five | The Boy Needs A Hug, Platonic Cuddling, Post-Season/Series 01, Sibling Bonding, Touch-Starved, i guess since season 2 exists now this needs to be tagged as</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 02:35:50</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,363</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26677225</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiri_bronach/pseuds/kiri_bronach</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Five gets a hug.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Number Five | The Boy &amp; The Hargreeves (Umbrella Academy)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Touch Starved Five [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1357276</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>212</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>...Before It Gets Better</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>So I finally finished this story. It was not supposed to take this long, but writer's block sucks and I got kind of stuck on the ending. Big thanks to Roommate B for beta reading.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Five can’t remember the nightmare, but his breath is ragged and his heart is pounding and that was definitely a scream that woke him. He's not too concerned. He doesn’t always remember the nightmares.   </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He flops back down on the bed, but he's up again in seconds because another scream is tearing through the air but his lips are fully closed this time and they were the last time too, weren’t they, and oh. Shit. That wasn't him screaming. Blankets tangle around his legs and he gives up on unwinding them, choosing to just jump out of the room instead. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He lands next to Klaus’s bed and his intuition seems to be correct because Klaus is clearly the source of the scream. He’s sitting up in bed, one hand next to him and the other extended toward the other end of the bed. His eyes are wide and unfocused and his breath is fast and exaggerated. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Five takes a step closer. Klaus is technically his little brother now, and he’s never looked the part as much as he does in this moment. Five wants to protect him, wants to comfort him with the same soothing touches he’d always longed for in the aftermath of his own nightmares. He's about to do just that, stretching his arm out toward Klaus's head when he remembers. He drops his arm, hand falling onto the pillow.   </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Klaus looks at Five and his eyes start to focus. His breathing starts to even out. He seems to be calming down, and Five is about to leave, but before he can move his hand away, Klaus lays down on it. The arm that had been sticking out reaches around and Klaus grabs Five’s other hand. Klaus closes his eyes with a soft sigh and Five finds himself sitting on the edge of the bed. He considers stroking his brother’s hair or squeezing his hand, doing something more than just sitting there. But Klaus looks so peaceful, especially compared to how he was just moments ago. Five wants him to stay that way and, selfishly, he doesn’t want Klaus to let go of him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>In the morning, Five will wake still seated on Klaus’s bed, his brother’s face nuzzled into his open palm and their fingers twined together in a tighter grip than they were the night before. In the morning, Five will want to ask Klaus why he let him stay but will not know how. In the morning, the other siblings will have a family meeting that Five is not invited to.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>For now, they just watch. For now, they notice the way Five hesitates and the wonder in his face as he watches Klaus grab his hand. For now, Diego quietly closes the door and they all let Five think his moment of softness has gone unobserved.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dad should have made you the leader.” Five looks up from the book he can’t focus on reading. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” he asks, voice blurry with exhaustion. He hasn't been sleeping well, and at first he thinks the words are a hallucination. It wouldn't be the first time he's imagined one of his siblings saying something kinder than they'd ever truly say. Then Luther repeats the statement. Five can hear that the words are in his voice, is watching his lips move, but still it’s so out of character he almost can’t believe that Luther’s saying it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I thought your whole thing was how much you </span>
  <em>
    <span>loved</span>
  </em>
  <span> being Number One?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It is. But you're doing a better job of it than I ever did." Five laughs, once, harshly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"That hardly proves your point. What 'Dad' wanted in a leader was never quality leadership. Or did you honestly think that it was?" Luther frowns.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Can't you just take the damn compliment?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"No."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Well you should, because it's true. They listen to you," Luther gestures at the rest of their siblings, who are spread out across the courtyard.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Because I'm the reason they're alive." Luther isn't put off by his arrogance.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"See? Confidence. You're always so sure of yourself - "</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You really do just think whatever anyone wants you to, don't you?" Five interrupts again before Luther can start rambling about leadership qualities. But apparently he underestimated his brother because Luther sees right past the snarky tone and condescending word choice and he responds to what Five </span>
  <em>
    <span>meant.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Self-doubt, huh? I know how you feel.” Five has a split second to think that if there's one person in the world who's more socially awkward than himself it must be Luther before his brother reaches out and pats him on the back. Pull away, is what Five has trained himself to know he should do. It’s what he would do if the touch was unintentional. But it's not so he doesn't. He just sits and stares incredulously at Luther because someone touching him intentionally, caringly, is not something he knows how to process.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And then, "Sorry," and Luther's arm falls back to his side.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"No," Five says, a little too forcefully because he can't take it anymore. "No, </span>
  <em>
    <span>don't </span>
  </em>
  <span>apologize," angrily because it isn't </span>
  <em>
    <span>fair. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Because Vanya gets to be comforted when she's upset and when Ben runs into them he gets supported, held up not pushed away and no one else seems to have any difficulty in offering such actions. But all he ever gets is "sorry Five" in that gut-wrenching, heart-breaking way that says </span>
  <em>
    <span>you should not want this </span>
  </em>
  <span>and </span>
  <em>
    <span>we do not want it for you. </span>
  </em>
  <span>And of course if Five had actually been the one having a nightmare the other night he doesn’t think anyone would have even tried to touch him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Luther looks confused by the outburst. He opens his mouth, closes it again, opens it again. “What?” he asks, and Five jumps back to his room before Luther can figure out a full question for him.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I know how you feel. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Not words that will ever sound anything but odd to Five, and the idea of taking emotional advice from Luther of all people is laughable. But neither of those things necessarily means the words aren’t true, do they? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Five messes up the mission.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Well, that’s a bit of an overstatement. He messes up one piece of the mission, deviates ever so slightly from the plan. Everything is ok in the end. But to Reginald, he might as well have messed up the mission.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Reginald doesn’t yell at him. He yells but never at Five and Five wishes he would. Yelling can be met with more yelling and even if Five can’t win an argument between them, he can at least feel like he’s an actual opponent. But in the face of this calm, even tone, all he can feel like is a child. If he yells, he sounds immature. If he protests, he sounds petulant. If he doesn’t argue, he looks meek. If he jumps out of the room, he gets punished. The level-headed scolding is a trap that he can’t worm his way out of.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And this time, it seems to go on forever. Allison accidentally lets it slip in the middle of the debriefing that Five messed up, and suddenly it’s all Reginald wants to talk about. Five says nothing unless he has to, choosing instead to glare at Reginald with a defiant look that for all his expressiveness will still never be enough to fully convey his hatred for the man. Finally, Reginald dismisses them and Five turns to leave with the others, but he’s stopped with a “No, not you Number Five”. As if making a mistake and then getting reprimanded for it, all in front of his siblings, wasn’t embarrassing enough, Five can actually feel a hint of fear at those words. His siblings must have a similar fear or, even worse, be picking up on his, because they’re reluctant to leave. But they do and then Five is alone with his father and the barrage of degradation and complaints against his (supposed) incompetence is picking up right where it left off. Five just keeps his scowl on and waits for it to be over.      </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allison is waiting for him when he returns, hands shaking slightly, to his room. He stills when he sees her and wonders if he should leave, should run from whatever she has to say. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>What she has to say is “I’m sorry.” It’s soft, but in a way that doesn’t grate. It’s not like the other apologies and that alone makes him want to stay. He crosses the room and sinks onto his bed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m fine,” he says in response. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m </span>
  </em>
  <span>fine, not </span>
  <em>
    <span>it’s </span>
  </em>
  <span>fine, because she shouldn’t have said anything but she needs to know that he’s unharmed, that all he’s gotten was a scolding and a flood of bad memories. He thinks maybe she’ll leave now, maybe </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m fine</span>
  </em>
  <span> was what she came to hear. She does not leave.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Instead, she sits down next to him and lays an arm across his shoulders. Five braces himself for the moment she realizes her mistake. It doesn’t come. “I’m sorry,” she repeats. Even after she says it, she doesn’t pull away from him. If anything, she shifts closer. Though it could just as easily be wishful thinking, Five gets the feeling that whatever she’s apologizing for it’s not this.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cautiously, he leans into the touch. When Allison still doesn’t recoil, he tentatively wraps his arms around her and rests his head on her shoulder. She copies the movement, encircling him with her other arm and leaning her head against his. They sit like that for several moments, perfectly still, each afraid to spook the other.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then, gently, Allison asks, “Five, how long has it been since someone hugged you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know,” he says, and it is the truth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know,” he says, and it is a lie.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Too damn long,” he says, and it is the truest thing he’s ever said.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Five enters the hideout that night to find all of his siblings already there. They look up at his arrival and stare as if they had been waiting for him. No one speaks. And then Klaus jumps to his feet and launches across the room, grabbing Five in a tight hug and knocking him over in the process. “If you wanted a hug, you could have just asked for one,” Klaus says and Five is not in the mood for this.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Five shoves at Klaus, trying to push the two of them back to their feet. He makes it to a sitting position before Klaus, apparently thinking Five is trying to push him away, thwarts his efforts by clinging tighter. Five isn’t trying to push Klaus away, of course he isn’t. He’ll take whatever hug he can get, even if it comes with whatever nonsense Klaus is trying to pull. That doesn’t mean he has to be happy about it. “What the fuck are you talking about? No I </span>
  <em>
    <span>couldn’t</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” he snaps.   </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Klaus huffs out a little breath of frustration. He doesn’t let go of Five, but he does pull back far enough that Five can see his scowl. “No, what are </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span> talking about? We’re trying to be nice to you! Why do you have to make that so difficult?”        </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, it’s not his fault,” Luther interjects, coming over to sit with them. He doesn’t hug Five, but he does loop his arm through Five’s and tug until Five gets the hint and leans. “Not everyone knows these things,” Luther says. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What things?” Five asks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What I </span>
  <em>
    <span>just told you</span>
  </em>
  <span>. That you can ask for a hug.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But… but…” Five stutters, mind spinning. It goes against everything he’s ever known. It almost seems like some elaborate prank. “But I thought you didn’t want to touch me,” he blurts out because he doesn’t know what else to do. Because he has to make sure they know he isn’t buying it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Would someone who didn’t want to touch you do this?” Diego asks and promptly sits down on Five’s lap.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You would if you were trying to play a trick on me.” Allison’s brow furrows and Klaus sighs loudly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re not playing a trick on you,” Luther says. “Well. I’m not, at least,” he clarifies with an uncertainty that does not make Five feel better.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“None of us are,” Allison insists, and she and Ben and Vanya come to sit with the rest of them. They surround him, turning the line into a pile. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why would we do something like that?” Ben asks. There are hands on his arms and arms on his shoulders and warmth all around him. Five thinks that he should probably feel smothered, but he’s too busy memorizing the moment, reveling in the fact that cuddling with his siblings is exactly like he’d imagined only better.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you don’t believe us, why are you still here?” Klaus asks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Five nestles his head into Luther’s neck and tries not to feel pathetically awkward for it. He does not answer either question.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Five fully expects things to go back to normal the next day. He avoids eye contact with his siblings in the morning. He’d avoid them entirely if he had the option. He doesn’t want to know what they think of him now, doesn’t want to know how much of their respect he’s lost. He has to believe that things will go back to normal. His face feels cold where he’d laid it on Luther’s shoulder and he can’t let himself hope that things will change.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yet, somehow, things do change. He doesn’t trust it that first day or in the days that follow. It happens all the same. His siblings brush their fingertips against his when he hands them things, stop apologizing when they accidentally (“accidentally”? </span>
  <em>
    <span>Purposefully</span>
  </em>
  <span>?) bump into him, hug him, even. Eventually, he starts to drop his guard, starts to stop fearing that every touch will be the last and that his siblings will burst out laughing at his gullibility. Eventually, he realizes that they're being genuine. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nothing will ever make up for a lifetime of believing affection to be impossible, but the knowledge that his family loves him comes close enough.   </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>